FAQ - Frequently Asked Questions

Why write the book?

Roy

For years I have lectured on building relationships in business. I’ve done seminars on it, spoken at conferences and lectured for a few years on the subject at Cranfield School of Management. I also wrote a book called “Meet Greet & Prosper”. Because of all this, I know a HUGE number of people.

One day I was sitting in Starbucks and I was reflecting on so many of the men I knew who were going through REALLY bad divorces. I’ve been divorced, thankfully there were no children involved – so I knew how bad I felt at the time, but so many of these divorces were truly horrible. I came to realise that I had escaped relatively unscathed in comparison.

The divorces I was pondering on all seemed to have remarkably similar patterns; the wife in almost every case exhibited a degree of hatred that was difficult to understand. The stories of ‘what she did’ were horrific. They also routinely made threats, allegations of physical and/or sexual abuse against her and her children and ended up being awarded massive financial settlements, taking the family home and then doing everything she could to stop the father seeing his children.

As I thought about it, all of a sudden I got a tremendous shock when I realised something that I thought was profound at the time. I had asked myself how could this happen to these nice guys? Then it hit me. Without exception every one of the men who were being skewered in the divorce courts by these women were men who I would describe as genuine, friendly, caring people. NICE men. Yes, appearances can be deceptive (as we discuss in the book) and no one can ever know for sure what goes on in private – but these were broken men, shattered by accusations they claimed were total fabrications. Their reputations were being shredded. And they seemed powerless to do anything about it. They just couldn’t understand why someone would be prepared to tell such lies about them. Understandably they took things very personally. They loved their children. They were good, hard-working guys. But many of them had imploded, some were barely able to function. Their work suffered. They were shells of their former selves and had lost most of what they had ever worked for. But EVERY time, the wife claimed that SHE was the victim.

This stayed with me for quite a while. I figured there might be a book in it and started doing some initial research on the internet – and discovered masses of information.

One of the websites was www.Amen.ie run by Mary Cleary. I was impressed with the quality of the information about the issues I was researching at the time and sent her an email to congratulate her on the site and explained briefly what I was looking to do. 15 minutes later Mary called me! We had a long chat. Over the next few months she kept sending me articles, dissertations and contacts. I was swamped with data and research.

I came to realise this subject is what I call “The Elephant in the Room Syndrome”. It’s when everyone knows there’s a huge elephant in the room, but no one is going to mention it! The subject of the book is like that; EVERYBODY you talk to has at least some experiences of falling prey to the type of woman we are writing about, or know people who have  – but most think it has only affected them. So they say nothing!

Mary and I had countless conversations and email exchanges about the research until eventually I thought. Her contribution had been immense already. It had taken up a lot of her time – and all unpaid – just like her work at Amen. I thought she deserved to be a co-author if she wanted to be. And she agreed.

Mary

I have known for years how big a problem it is for male victims of domestic violence and have witnessed at first hand the effects that nasty and malicious women have on the men they claim to love. I have always maintained that this is a much bigger problem than society is prepared to accept. The men affected are shunned, even ridiculed for daring to claim that they are victims of physical, emotional, sexual and financial abuse.

I was a nurse in Ireland for many years and saw for myself that a significant proportion of men who came to Casualty (Accident and Emergency) had horrific injuries including stab wounds. They nearly all told a similar story – but something simply didn’t ring true. You don’t get stabbed in the back, by falling down the stairs as so many of them said.

I want these issues to reach a wider audience. Domestic violence in particular is NOT a gender issue as so many women’s groups claim. Women initiate violence against men as much as men initiate violence against women. Anyone who claims something different is either ill-informed or is deliberately perpetrating a lie. This ‘man-bashing’ propaganda is a disgrace and a travesty. I have repeated over and over again “It’s also a crime to beat up a man.” But women get away with it. Most if not all of the funding of women’s groups relies on perpetuating the myth that women are the only victims. Detailed research has proven this to be untrue. In Ireland alone, women’s groups receive 30 million Euros a year. Obviously their work is important. But male victims receive almost nothing. Innocent men are therefore punished at the expense of aid to women. Research has proven conclusively that more than half of the women who receive ‘protection against abusive husbands’ are in fact more violent than the men they are being protected from!

So anything that brings these issues to a wider audience is a good thing. But I have been taken by Roy’s sincerity and the depth of his research to put forward a considered male perspective. We have had so many long conversations about these issues. It has evolved over time. In many ways the book is about healing. Its about understanding what and why these dynamics take place and escalate.

When men in particular experience the sort of attacks we are talking about, most simply don’t know how to deal with it.

I believe this is an important book – for all men and women.

Isn’t it an attack on all women?

No way.

We believe that the women we are writing about are guilty of attacking innocent women when they claim to be victims when they are not.

We’ve certainly tried to present the unheard male voice. But in these politically correct days, it’s as if no one can now ever say anything against any behaviour by a woman, no matter how obnoxious, dishonest or deceitful she has been. ‘Man bashing’ is so prevalent everywhere. More and more TV programmes and commercials portray men as imbeciles. If the gender roles were switched, there would be a massive public outcry.  Magazines and newspaper articles routinely perpetuate the notion that men are the abusers and women are the victims. These are rarely challenged even when they are untrue. The combined effect is an insidious attack on men – not women.

Are you misogynists?

Absolutely not. We both love women. But both of us are appalled at the way a small but dangerous proportion of women wreak havoc on the lives of innocent men, women and children. And all too often because they use covert aggression, they get away with it. Part of their armoury is claiming to be victims when they are not. Genuine women victims suffer because of the dishonesty and false allegations made by the women we are writing about in this book.

And the women who behave in this way almost instantly react by attacking anyone who challenges them as being misogynists.

This book is a way of helping innocent victims – women as well as men and children.

Roy. I am also the inventor of something called a Wow Card. It's for men who appreciate and adore women. When a man sees a woman who evokes a 'wow' (its NOT only about looks) he gives her one of these card and keeps walking. He can't engage in conversation, unless she chooses to talk to him. When a woman reads what it says on the back of the card - she practically 'glows'. For more information see www.WowCardz.com.

How can you say that women abuse children?

There is massive official data that proves a large number of women abuse children, although the perception is that men are always the abusers. This is simply not true. Yes, there are paedophiles who are mostly men but most child abuse is not sexual; its physical, psychological and emotional. Neglect is a widespread form of abuse that causes long term damage to the development of children that they often take into adulthood.

In fact, this may come as a shock to most people but official statistics indicate that 56% of all child abuse is perpetrated by women. And the biological father is statistically the least likely person to abuse a child.

Who is this book aimed at?

Ultimately this book is aimed at anyone who feels they are or have been manipulated by women who have demonstrated a malicious or vindictive streak in their personality.

Anyone who have fallen prey to such women will find the book helpful. There are countless fascinating examples of what these women have been prepared to do in order to get their own way. Some are quite shocking.

What information does the book include?

There is detailed information about how to protect yourself physically and emotionally from a woman who is prepared to say or do just about anything to hurt others.

With divorce rates at an all-time high, any man considering marriage needs to read the chapter about how to minimise the risks of marrying one of these women. And it includes how to identify some of the tricks women use to get a man to marry her. The detailed ‘due diligence questionnaire’ provides lots of ways to find out what you need to know about a girlfriend before you ever ‘pop the question’.

Then of course there’s the chapter about divorce. This is also specifically for men. It explains the divorce process which most men, even one’s who’ve been through a divorce, would have difficulty in explaining. It includes many of the shocking, yet common tactics women use to gain an unfair advantage in their divorce negotiations. And what they do to increase the probability that they will be awarded the highest possible financial settlement. In our experience, most men don’t have a clue what is going to hit them. And when it does, they seem to think that they are the only people in the world who are being forced to go through such hell. No they aren’t! And divorce lawyers acting on behalf of women know exactly how to get men to agree to what ever they demand. But when you understand the tactics being used against you, you soon realize how to respond more effectively and experience less stress.

Do you have personal experience of dealing with women of this type?

Mary

Since 1997 when I set up Amen, I have had direct experience of the women in this book.

Roy

I also have personal experience of dealing with these types of women. And yes, there have been times in my life when I felt ‘bitter and twisted’ when I have felt abused. I know what its like to think that I was the only man to experience such emotional pain and manipulation.

In your research, how difficult was it for you to find examples of the behaviours you include in the book?

Mary

Are you kidding? There are SO many examples, that we could have used. There isn’t anything like enough space to include them all.

Roy

I have been a writer, presenter, journalist and reporter for many years which included nearly 10 years working on BBC regional as well as network radio and television news and features programmes.  I can’t recall any story I have worked on that has been this easy to find willing contributors. It seems everyone you talk to has a personal experience. In fact, at just about every dinner party I have attended, when I’ve been asked what I’m currently working on and I tell them – the floodgates open. It then becomes the topic of conversation for ages – so much so –I’ve stopped mentioning it because I was so inundated with stories.

I have some of my own stories of how a woman abused me, during the time I was married to her and after the divorce. Are you saying you don’t want to hear any more stories?

Not at all. Please share your experiences by emailing your story. Depending on what we are sent we may be able to include some of them if we ever decide to update the book, or perhaps include them on the website. We will respect everyone’s anonymity, but please don’t name names or make any libellous remarks. Nothing will be published until we are satisfied that we won’t get sued!

Send your story to Story@VenusTheDarkSide.com

How do you Buy a copy of the book?

If you wish to buy this book its available in our shop, please click here.

Where else can you buy it?

You should be able to buy it in just about any bookstore in the UK. If a bookstore doesn’t have it in stock – please order it from them.  They should be able to get copies within a couple of days. It helps the publisher by encouraging bookshops to stock it.  Although, it will also be available from UK based online bookstores.

The book is very likely to be published and available in bookstores in other countries and in different languages in the next year.

If you don’t live in the UK and would like to purchase a copy, you can order from the UK online bookstores, or directly from this website. The English language version of the book can be shipped to anywhere in the world. Click here to place your order.

www.VenusTheDarkSide.com

Phone: +44 (0)1761 414541  

Fax: +44 (0)1761 412615

Email: info@venusthedarkside.com

© Copyright 2008 Roy Sheppard and Mary T Cleary.  All Copyrights and Trademarks acknowledged.  All rights reserved. 

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