Under attack, and so little defence

 Male victims of female abuse come from all walks of life, social backgrounds and cultures. They are victimised because they fail to conform to the macho man stereotype, they are sometimes seen as wimps and they suffer society’s stigma for not protecting themselves. Many become depressed in their isolation, feel suicidal and sometimes take their own lives without disclosure. Refused the status of victim, they are often caring, sensitive men and good fathers and providers. They want help for the abuser, not further abuse from society and the caring agencies. Yet all too often they are the ones removed from or asked to leave their homes. Because they are men, the abuse they suffer is not believed. They have few or no support systems and no “listening ear”.

Every time you recognise abuse as it occurs and learn to challenge the behaviour in ways that don’t fuel the abuse, you can slowly decrease the likelihood or possibility that she will keep doing it. Please note, however, that there are never any guarantees of this.

She claims to love you but why do you feel so bad about the relationship? It could be that you have been shown disrespect or abused for so long that you are now used to the idea that feeling bad is normal. However, if you are constantly put down, threatened or physically assaulted, it is not normal.

If you rationalise her behaviour as “the way she is”, that’s not normal either. Perhaps you have learnt to cope by becoming anaesthetised against the pain. But that’s yet another coping strategy, not normal behaviour. Ultimately, taking the cruelty without doing anything about it will not help you in a long-lasting and meaningful way. These coping strategies have an unfortunate side effect – the abuse continues, and in a high proportion of cases it worsens.

For a reality check, how much of the following do you identify with?

• Has she falsely accused you of anything?
• Do you live in fear of what she may say or do next, and do you find yourself agreeing to things because this will make life easier?
• Does she explode into uncontrollable rages for no apparent reason?
• Perhaps she is all over you one moment but claims to hate you the next.
• How often do you feel confused about your relationship or sense that something is wrong but you can’t quite articulate it?
• Do you try to please her, yet find nothing is ever good enough for her?
• How often does this lead to general feelings of emotional exhaustion?
• Do you find yourself feeling unappreciated, depressed or anxious but can’t figure out why?
• Do you feel trapped in your marriage?
• Have you found yourself seriously contemplating suicide as a way of escaping from the relationship?
• Have you suspected, but been unable to prove, that she has stolen money or property from you?
• Has she deliberately damaged your property?
• Does she spend your money irresponsibly, running up debts that you have to pay?
• Has she threatened to harm you, your children or any family pets if she doesn’t get her own way?
• Does she criticise you and put you down in front of family or friends?
• How often is she sarcastic to you and if challenged claims she was “only joking”?
• Do you feel that she insists on controlling your life, what you do, whom you see or what you spend money on?
• Are you afraid of making even small decisions in case she disapproves – as she invariably does?
• Does she become jealous when there are no grounds?
• How often has she accused you of infidelity when you have always been faithful?
• Has she ever reported you to the police when you have done nothing wrong?
• Does she blame you for practically everything and refuse to accept any responsibility for her own actions?
• Has she threatened to harm herself in some way or to commit suicide if you don’t do what she demands?
• Does she claim that you are lucky she’s prepared to have you as a partner, because nobody else would be interested?
• Does she call you horrible names, possibly in front of your children?

• She often says: “Don’t you dare tell anyone.” This is possibly her biggest fear speaking.

• Do you find yourself making excuses for her behaviour to family, friends, colleagues and strangers?
• Do you have difficulty sleeping?
• Have your eating, drinking and sleeping patterns changed while being with her?
• Do you suffer from stress, excessive tiredness, depression, or pains in your arms, lower back or stomach?

If you find that you do indeed experience a significant proportion of the above, you are being abused. 

Extracted from “Venus: The Dark Side”. For more information visit www.VenusTheDarkSide.com

© Roy Sheppard and Mary T Cleary 2008

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