How divorces get dirty

The less you know about what to expect, the more the family courts are likely to chew you up and spit you out. Imagine being kicked in the testicles repeatedly. Divorce is worse. Let us put this as delicately as we can. If you’re a man, you’re going to get screwed, emotionally and financially. Accept this at the outset. Anything less, and you can consider yourself lucky. Best to brace yourself for the worst.

You will be lied to. You will be lied about. Your wife may make unsubstantiated false allegations of physical or sexual abuse, directed against her or the children.

You will feel wronged, abused, taken advantage of, betrayed and deceived. She may make frivolous or vexatious claims against you. You won’t see your children as much as you feel you want to or should. In your role as a father, you will be treated as an irrelevance, except, of course, when it comes to providing money. You may decide to fight divorce issues “on principle”. Realise first, however, that her lawyers may deliberately make unreasonable demands on you, pushing your buttons so that you wear yourself out emotionally. This increases the likelihood that eventually you will agree to anything to make the pain to go away. And your wife gets a better deal. For many men, principles and ethics are important but in divorce they become irrelevant unless you want to waste a lot of your time and money. So think before you act on principle.

Divorce, you’ll find, is not about righting a wrong or proving blame. It’s about getting out as quickly, as painlessly and as inexpensively as possible. Your divorce is a business transaction that you will lose, but by listening to a good lawyer, and doing what he recommends, you will lose less than you might.

It is in your interests to get this over with quickly. However, most reasonable men don’t pursue a divorce in this way. They sit back and wait to see what happens. They will often make themselves feel even more guilty for wanting a quick exit. They feel they have been disloyal to their wife. Speed, nevertheless, is incredibly important once the decision to divorce has been made. Some women may appear to want a reconciliation. Beware. This may be a smokescreen to delay proceedings.

Read the previous two paragraphs again and again until they are embedded in your brain.

At the beginning of divorce proceedings most men have at least some faith that their wives will behave honestly and fairly. Forget that. It is extremely rare that in the event she conduct herself in this way, egged on, as she will be, by friends and advisers to turn up the heat and get her pound of flesh, because “she’s worth it”. When things start moving, she is more than likely to become even nastier towards you. Prepare yourself.

Divorce brings out the worst in everyone. Lawyers represent our “dark sides”. But remember this too. It’s not the fault of lawyers but of those responsible for making the laws. Blame your government.

Your wife is entitled to a proportion of your future earnings, and can claim a proportion of your assets. You may be forced to pay her for many years to come. Don’t assume that you own half the house even if it is in joint names. Whoever gets awarded custody of the children usually gets the house. Her divorce lawyer will almost certainly want to negotiate more than 50 per cent of the value of the house if your children are to live there, and in addition you may end up being financially liable for property insurance, repairs, maintenance and property taxes.

Then she may insist on a proportion of the value of your pension. She may even qualify for a proportion or half of any tax-free lump sum you may receive as part of your pension.

Her lawyer could also insist that you pay the premiums for an insurance policy protecting her maintenance payments.

Self-employed people report that their income takes a nosedive during a divorce, mainly because they find it so difficult to concentrate on their business, although sometimes this can be beneficial when a financial settlement is calculated.You might as well accept that you won’t have any spare money for the foreseeable future and realise you will have to endure a drop in your quality of life while the law protects and maintains the woman’s.  

Extracted from “Venus: The Dark Side”. For more information visit www.VenusTheDarkSide.com

© Roy Sheppard and Mary T Cleary 2008

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