Parting is so painful

 Marrying and then divorcing a nasty woman hurts. And in more ways than the non-divorced man can begin to imagine. The vast majority of divorced women walk away with the most valuable marital assets. Vindictive women can do it with a ruthless passion that is impossible for most men to understand. On top of that, the legal system is preferential to women. In 97 per cent of cases women are awarded custody of children, even when the father may be the better parent.

For now, realise the following:

• More than 300,000 men and women are divorced every year in Britain. That means three million people in the past decade alone. In the United States 1.8 million go through the same trauma every year. All that pain, and all that business for family lawyers!

• Once married, you have a one-in-two chance of having to go through a divorce.
• Imagining your marriage will improve without doing anything about it is a mistake.
• Every marriage that goes wrong is a joint mistake. You are not a failure because the relationship failed.
• Whoever “transgresses” through extra-marital affairs or physical or emotional abuse, both parties played a role in it. Affairs are invariably a symptom of a shaky marriage, not the cause.
• An amicable divorce is extremely rare, even though most start out like that. It can get very nasty indeed. Emotionally and psychologically it can be overwhelming, draining, frustrating, time-consuming, and, of course, expensive. When children are involved it is all far worse.

·        Don’t be surprised if your wife decides to behave maliciously during the divorce, encouraged by friends, members of her family or her legal advisers.

• Unfortunately, stories abound of women who had strings of affairs during their marriage but were still awarded punitive damages against their husbands. 
• It is irrelevant that you have been a good husband. In fact, being fair and honourable could end up costing you even more.
• What kind of man you are doesn’t matter. You will be punished as if you were a bad husband.
• Divorce for a man is always a damage limitation exercise. If you are dealing with a scorned, vindictive woman, a speedy exit is important.
• You can’t win. But you can do a lot to ensure you lose less.

 While reading this, you may think we are being needlessly alarmist. Perhaps in your circumstances it will never happen. However, you have a duty to yourself to become fully aware of the risks you face should things go from bad to worse in your marriage. You may need an exit strategy.

Carefully consider whether divorce is your best option. If you can sort things out between you, stay married. It can be much cheaper. But you must also realise that a temporary patching-up of your marriage could cost you even more in the future. The longer you are married, the more a court could order you to pay your ex-wife.

Therefore you need to ask yourself these searching questions:

• On a scale of 0 to 10 how happy are you in your marriage? Be really honest.
• Imagine asking her: “If you had the choice to marry me again right now and we weren’t married, would you?” If you suspect the answer would be no, why stay married?
• How miserable is she making you?
• What would make you happier?
• How much does your wife want to have a happy marriage with you?
• How much do you want to have a happy marriage with your wife?
• Or are you trying to stay together purely for the children’s sake?
• If you did not have financial or family obligations would you stay married to her?
• Or are you trying to stay together purely for the children’s sake?

 Many men, through a sense of loyalty, stay in unhappy marriages for the children, but this loyalty is based on a dangerous assumption. Why believe that staying together is inherently better for your children? If you truly love your children, they may be far better off if you and your wife separated or divorced. In many cases, though, staying together is not really only about the children – it’s more to do with having nowhere to live. So accept this. If your wife decides to divorce you, it is extremely likely that you will have nowhere to live anyway, and you may have little or no say in the future of your children either. Deciding to divorce your wife may provide you with more options about their futures.

 Get real. If she is making your life a misery, why stay? Misplaced loyalty, denial and fear keep people together. They’d rather be unhappy together than unhappy apart. Don’t misunderstand us – do not embark on divorce just because you’re unhappy. Some of your unhappiness may have nothing to do with your marriage. It could be your age, job, energy levels, even a mid-life crisis. Seek legal advice before you make a decision to divorce. It’s what a high proportion of women do.

Extracted from “Venus: The Dark Side”. For more information visit www.VenusTheDarkSide.com

© Roy Sheppard and Mary T Cleary 2008

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