Wrapping up the deal

Every business partnership involves risk. Marriage is a partnership. And like a business, the institution of marriage is governed by punitive and far-reaching laws. It is the job of the directors or partners of a business to protect and safeguard its future. A business has a separate legal identity, and so does marriage. Each partner should assume equal responsibility for its wellbeing and future success. When a business fails, as part of the winding-up process all the directors or partners share equal liability. They may be made bankrupt and lose all their assets, including their homes.

However, when a marriage fails, in almost all cases the male partner pays for everything. It is irrelevant how the wife has behaved towards the husband during the marriage.

So many marriages end in divorce that a marriage partnership is extremely risky. And if this partnership creates a number of little subsidiaries, that is, children, and it breaks up, the man will be forced to pay “dividends” for every child for up to 18 years. Fairness rarely comes into it any more.

In the business world some investors are prepared to take a bet on a proposition. They may see the potential for a decent return on their investment and may go ahead without asking too many questions. Therefore, they may or may not fully understand the risks they are taking. They may win, or they may lose their shirts. Failure could wipe out some of them, while others just put it down to a bad experience. When it comes to romantic or intimate relationships, love is not a reliable indicator of future success and happiness, for either partner.

Again, in a business context, before successful entrepreneurs or wise investors put time or money into a new or existing business they will almost certainly conduct “due diligence”. In other words, they check out the business. They check out the people involved in that business, their backgrounds, skills, strengths, honesty, integrity and any weaknesses that could jeopardise the success of that business. They ask around. They verify any information they are given about the business. The bigger the business risks, the more forensic the due diligence will be. To protect themselves and their financial investment they assess all these risks before they get too involved. It saves time, heartache and, potentially, a great deal of money.

So why not use a similar approach for our relationships? Is it so ludicrous? Department of Trade and Industry statistics reveal that about 30 per cent of new businesses fail within three years. The longer a business survives, the more likely it is to survive. But the longer a marriage lasts, the more likely it is to fail.

So, to minimise your risks, what do you need to know about your partner? That depends on a number of factors, but it starts at the level of your commitment to the relationship. If you do not see the relationship as long-term, many of the questions in Appendix 1 below will not be as relevant to you.

You need to understand how comfortable you are about the risks you are prepared to take. If your relationship is casual, you probably wouldn’t want to bother with the questionnaire at all. Even so, if you are both embarking on a sexual fling, it is almost certainly worth knowing whether you or your partner is likely to give the other a nasty rash – or worse!

For entrepreneurs, assuming a higher risk in exchange for a higher potential return may be acceptable. They may be prepared to lose a lot if they are likely to gain more. If, however, you are seriously contemplating marrying a woman, most of the questions in Appendix 1 of the book will be highly relevant to you.

This detailed questionnaire is not foolproof. Nor is it scientific. It has been drawn up to help you to gain more factual and values-based information about your future partner. At the very least, you will gain a better idea of what you need to know about her and therefore what you are getting into. It is our view that if this questionnaire stops just one bad marriage from taking place, it will have been worthwhile.

Use the questionnaire to help you to make a better-informed decision about your future spouse. A free download of the most comprehensive and up-to-date version of the due diligence questionnaire, laid out and complete with spaces to write answers, will be sent to readers who request it. Send an email to DD@venusthedarkside.com

If you decide not to download the questionnaire but prefer to ask the questions within conversation, don’t ask them all in quick succession. Use a couple and then wait several days before you ask any more. Your woman won’t respond well to being tested, even though she wouldn’t think twice about testing you. Perhaps it would be an idea to get a friend to ask her a few of the questions.

If you feel uncomfortable about talking to your partner about these issues because you are concerned about her reaction, that in itself is a danger sign.

Both parties need to go into a marriage equipped with the most relevant information. Offer to fill in the form for her too. This is reasonable. She may refuse to take part in what she dismisses as a load of nonsense, or she may say: “If you loved me you wouldn’t force me to do this.” These may be ploys to make you feel guilty. Be afraid and give serious thought to how committed she is to the relationship, or what she may be hiding from you. Part of the due diligence process in business requires “full disclosure”, meaning total honesty. By signing the due diligence document, your partner is making claims that could be seen as fraudulent or dishonest.

Extracted from “Venus: The Dark Side”. For more information visit www.VenusTheDarkSide.com

© Roy Sheppard and Mary T Cleary 2008

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