A game of cheating and lying

Susan Shapiro Barash, professor of critical thinking and gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College, says 90 per cent of women interviewed in one of her extensive investigations claimed not to experience any guilt when cheating on their husbands. One of the quainter tales is of a little girl overheard telling her friends that her mummy has a personal trainer and that every time he comes over they take a nap.

Sex aside, you may have a nagging suspicion that something isn’t quite right about your woman or the relationship. You can’t quite put your finger on the problem. You’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt but does she have the potential to be bad – or even very bad? What can you do?

A constantly partying, hard-drinking, glamorous, always “up for it” sexual animal may be a dream girlfriend, but would she make a good, reliable wife and mother? If, incidentally, you’re a similar type, would you make a good husband and father?

Sex aside, you may have a nagging suspicion that something isn’t quite right about your woman or the relationship. You can’t quite put your finger on the problem. You’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt but does she have the potential to be bad – or even very bad? What can you do?

Learn first to see past the look she may so painstakingly construct to appear as attractive and as desirable as possible. Is her packaging of make-up and designer clothes meant to hide or distract you from noticing serious flaws in her personality? What about her attitude to life in general and you in particular? How similar are your beliefs? What qualities are important to you – honesty, loyalty, reliability, trust, your relationship with money and fidelity? Find out what things she is less than proud of. Find out in which ways she has behaved badly. Does she constantly focus on what she doesn’t have? How does she treat you and others? Does she make unreasonable demands of you all the time? Is she low-, medium- or high-maintenance? Does she seek, even in the most subtle way, attention from other men? Is she a kind person? Does she have genuine compassion? What about her relationship to money? Or do you suspect she puts on an act? 

Accept that she is likely to become her mother as she gets older.

Is it really true love? Is that heart flutter down to her or the effects of a double espresso? Or is it just a carefully crafted illusion of love by a manipulative or self-serving woman? It can be very difficult to tell. But not impossible.

Use the following approaches to find out what she is really like:

 1. How does she behave when you are not prepared to give her something she wants? If you refuse her in a polite, reasonable manner but she tends to react with a tantrum, she could be trouble one day.

2. In what circumstances does she criticise you, complain about you or get angry and irritated by you?

      3. Does she know any people you know, dislike or distrust? If so, and without telling her what you think of somebody, ask: “What do you think of X?” Then pay particular attention to the way she responds rather than the specific words she chooses. Pay a lot attention at this moment. If she responds instantly, without a nano-second’s pause, that she likes him a lot, you could have a problem. Her values could be diametrically opposed to yours. If she hesitates even for a split second before answering, she is weighing up what she thinks of this man and is figuring out how to respond. If she is an honest, non-malicious person she will not want to say anything bad about him but at the same time will not want to lie to you, or offend someone who is potentially your best friend. So, without saying anything, you can often discover at a fairly deep level how she thinks, what she feels about someone and how she deals with this potential minefield. If you dislike someone and she dislikes him too but is not prepared to bad-mouth him, that’s a good sign. However, if she likes someone you distrust because of his past conduct, you could have a problem. If she is quick to bad-mouth someone, it tells you a great deal about the way she treats others. It begs the questions: Whom else does she bad-mouth? And how soon will she bad-mouth you?

      4. Alternatively, you might like to try the above test if she has been drinking, She will probably be a little less careful about what she says about others. This is a variation of “drink in, truth out”.

     5. On the subject of alcohol, how does her personality change when she’s tipsy? Some seemingly demure women turn nasty, physically violent and “gobby” when under the influence. In the interests of fairness, what about you? Are you the same?

     6. What are the circumstances when she turns against you?

     7. How does she treat waiters, waitresses, shop assistants and lower-level or junior colleagues? Does she treat them with basic courtesy and respect, or like something unwanted on the bottom of her shoe?

     8. How does she deal with stress? Does she snap or verbally lash out at those around her? Worse still, does she lash out physically? Assuming you have done nothing nasty to warrant such an outburst, any woman who punches or slaps you is behaving unreasonably. In an ideal world zero tolerance would apply. Bear in mind that if a man did that to a woman he could be arrested. It is no different.

     9. Ask her friends what it is they most like about her? And why?

     10. Casually ask these friends how she could be a nicer person.

Extracted from “Venus: The Dark Side”. For more information visit www.VenusTheDarkSide.com

© Roy Sheppard and Mary T Cleary 2008

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