The knives are out

            “I remember when the first knife was thrown at me. It stuck into the fridge. When one of the neighbours asked what had happened to the fridge, my wife’s reply was, ‘I fired a knife at him and unfortunately it missed.’ The neighbours sensed what was going on but they never said anything. I felt very afraid after that.

“We were just two people who fell in love. We married in 1972. A few years after the birth of our three daughters my wife became abusive. She started to abuse me verbally. It then turned to pushing and slapping. She didn’t care that the children were around. I didn’t have to do anything, neither did the children. It would depend on her mood. She wouldn’t do anything for me. I confronted her about things but she just said that she wasn’t a skivvy. There was no reason for it because I worked and did most of the housework.

“She used to elbow me in the face at night. I moved into the spare room and locked myself in. I felt that everything was closing in on me, but at least I was safe.

“My wife never apologised. I asked her to see a doctor, but she would never go. I suggested it to her family and they thought I was mad. But she was different when we went out. She was Jekyll and Hyde. To her own friends she was fine, but to mine she was totally different. If we went out for the night and a woman spoke to me, that would set her off. She would cause a row, no matter where I was or who was around. It was humiliating.

“She would try to provoke me to hit her by saying the children weren’t mine, or by grabbing me, cutting telephone cables or filling the lawnmower with water. She would harm herself and tell the police I had beaten her. One Christmas she even left with the kids. When I went to the police they told me that my wife and children were away for their own protection. She had told them I was abusing her and the children.

“I believe it was because the children talked to me more than their mother. I had more time for them. They confided in me. She slapped them several times. I wasn’t aware of this because the children were too scared to tell me. She was beating them in places that wouldn’t show.

“I was afraid to let anyone know what was happening because as a man I’d be classed as a coward. I thought other men would laugh. I couldn’t hit back. I wasn’t brought up like that. I hoped it would go away. But it never did.

“Sometimes I thought she’d changed. Then suddenly it would happen again. Life was hell.

“There were lots of silences. If you asked a question it would not be answered. I couldn’t have a conversation with her. Our physical relationship also stopped. There was no sex. She taunted me saying, ‘You’re no good anyway.’

“The abuse made me feel worthless and useless. I couldn’t leave the children because I knew what she was capable of doing. And I had nowhere else to go. I never considered suicide, but I have been so low that I can understand why people do it. The thought of the children stopped me. We knew that we had to get through it together.

“The first person I spoke to was a priest. The children told him how they were beaten. One of them had been beaten so much that she bled. Unknown to me, my youngest daughter had reported everything to the school. When I approached the teacher she said she couldn’t make a complaint. I’m sure that if she had said her father was beating her they would have done something. I felt very embarrassed and broke down in front of the priest, but it gave me great relief that at last I had told someone.

“Things were getting very bad. In May my youngest daughter overheard my wife and my mother-in-law talking about ‘getting rid’ of me. When my daughter told me I was afraid to sleep at night. Around that time my wife was also starting to threaten me with scissors. She lifted them as if to say, ‘I'm going to stick these in you.’

“In June I could just sense that something was going to happen. I almost felt that I would be shot. I went to a social worker and explained the whole situation. But she laughed at me. She said that if the situation was that bad then I should just leave home.

“I went to the police. They were more sympathetic but also told me to pack my bags and leave. I told them I couldn’t leave the kids and they said the same as the social worker, that my wife wouldn’t harm them. I then went to a solicitor and I asked him about getting a barring order, because I feared for my life and for what might happen to the children. His answer was that men don’t get barring orders. He told me I was wasting time and money.

Extracted from “Venus: The Dark Side”. For more information visit www.VenusTheDarkSide.com

© Roy Sheppard and Mary T Cleary 2008

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